cowardice

I'm having a bad day. All the jobs I looked at on Craigslist had massive qualification lists. Some of the stuff I got about half way there. It was really disheartening. And a lot of this stuff are things I'm not even sure I want to do. How do I feel about designing packaging for wine bottles? Ehhh. Do I want to design game art? Ehhh. I have a feeling of "well, if I can get it I'll do it" but shouldn't it be a feeling of "I REALLY WANT THIS JOB!". It's more a feeling of I NEED TO FIND A JOB! Which isn't good. I should find a path that makes me happy, not a path that gets me to some imaginary stage that I think I have to do. Maybe I SHOULD apply for flight attendant school. Be up in the sky, go places. And then I could have more freedom of choice in where I want to live. It would be customer service to an extent, but I could go to a training school. But I'm also in a way trying to find an escape route to be anywhere but here in California looking for work that I'm pretty sure I can't get. Other people believe in me, but they are not the people hiring me. If I got a not art job, would I be self motivated enough to continue with my art? If I assigned myself another art project, I think so. I like to sketch, and I have been sketching. I could develop myself as a freelance artist on the side of it all. I think I have a lot of qualifications that would be good for a flight attendant, then again I think I have a lot of qualifications that would make me good as an artist person. I'm hard working. I show up. I've got ideas. But I also have a marginal amount of knowledge in the computer programs that people want. It is all kinds of distressing. I want to draw and travel. Those are my main things.

I'm working on some lists. Jobs. What I want to do. Would I like to do... Would I be happy... What I can do/strengths. Weaknesses.

I don't know what I want to do.

I can't say what would make me happy.

I don't know where I want to be.

I know little things that I want to do, but can't see how to make them my job.

I know little things that make me happy.

I want to travel.

I also think I can talk myself in and out of many things. Avoiding this and that. But maybe I should apply for flight attendant school, because the classes don't start till June, and I only have a month here to find a job. So I could apply, and if I get in, that will be on the back burner. And if I get a job, then awesome! I don't have to become a flight attendant.

A month isn't that long. Can I do it? Can I find a job? I don't know.

Should I apply to have a safety net? But I'll be more a mooch from my parents.

I've been so safe, so coddled.

But what do I want to do with my life? Or rather, what do I want to do for the next few years?

I just don't know. And it spins me into a panic/feeling pathetic/then panic because I feel pathetic/then feel pathetic because I panic downwards spiral.

I need to get courage.

And not have a breakdown.

Today was rainy. I had doughnuts and tea for breakfast. I looked online for jobs. Got discouraged. Talked to mom. Researched flight attendant school. Haven't had a substantial meal really. 9:30 and Nate isn't home.